Tisha B'Av - Why Are We Still Crying?

Rav Weinberger – Leyl Tisha B’av 2019

Most Sephardic communities have a custom to start by announcing how many years it has been since the churban. I’ve lost track of the number but it has been many years. We are here again. The Jews throughout the world say בכה תבכה בלילה – from that first night of Tisha B’av in the midbar when the meraglim came back from Israel discouraged, the entire nation began to cry a בכיה של חנם – whatever that means. They were worried. Ever since then we are still crying. Tisha B’av is the reminder of where those tears began. But we are still crying for the same reason.

What is that reason?

Unless we are well versed in the gemaras and Rambam Beis Habechira to understand what the korbanos looked like and what it meant to live in a way of tahara, koahnim bavadosim, leviim bshiram uv’zimram, then we don’t really connect to that. What it meant to have prophesy in the world. It is so hard to understand and feel what is missing, what we lost.

Moshe Rabbeinu taught us in Parshas Devarim – the true reason we began crying then and then it intensified by the churban rishon and sheini. Moshe had calmed down a little, a new generation preparing to enter Israel – he asked why did you cry back then and why now.

וַתֵּרָגְנ֤וּ בְאָהֳלֵיכֶם֙ וַתֹּ֣אמְר֔וּ בְּשִׂנְאַ֤ת יְהוָה֙ אֹתָ֔נוּ הוֹצִיאָ֖נוּ מֵאֶ֣רֶץ מִצְרָ֑יִם לָתֵ֥ת אֹתָ֛נוּ בְּיַ֥ד הָאֱמֹרִ֖י לְהַשְׁמִידֵֽנוּ׃

You sulked in your tents and said, “It is because the LORD hates us that He brought us out of the land of Egypt, to hand us over to the Amorites to wipe us out.

When meraglim came back, we were complaining in out tents amongst ourselves – maybe it wasn’t said out loud but there was a feeling of that Hashem hates us and that’s why He took us out of Egypt and began this whole journey.

Ever since then, the underlying cause for our crying (and the whole world) is because of that feeling that Hashem hates us. Not that He doesn’t exist, He does. But He hates me.

עַ֥ל נַהֲר֨וֹת ׀ בָּבֶ֗ל שָׁ֣ם יָ֭שַׁבְנוּ גַּם־בָּכִ֑ינוּ בְּ֝זָכְרֵ֗נוּ אֶת־צִיּֽוֹן׃

By the rivers of Babylon, there we sat, sat and wept, as we thought of Zion.

We were displaced, many Jews killed, homes destroyed, children didn’t know where parents where an parents where the children were. So many reasons to cry. Many of our grandparents know what that was like.

The Zohar in beginning of Shemos explains why – when we went to galus bavel they thought that was the end; the world would end. They thought Hashem abandoned us. The same feeling we had when the meraglim came back. They felt He divorced us. Sent us away and no longer is interested or cares about what happens to us. He doesn’t want us back.

עַ֥ל נַהֲר֨וֹת ׀ בָּבֶ֗ל שָׁ֣ם יָ֭שַׁבְנוּ גַּם־בָּכִ֑ינוּ בְּ֝זָכְרֵ֗נוּ אֶת־צִיּֽוֹן׃

It says it here b’zachreinu es zion – what does it mean? It doesn’t mean b’zacrheinu our children or our food. What does this me,an zion?

By Har Sinai we had our first real taste of zion – still far from yerushalayim, but we tasted Hashem’s love. The whole Shir Hashirim is a description of that love.

יִשָּׁקֵ֙נִי֙ מִנְּשִׁיק֣וֹת פִּ֔יהוּ כִּֽי־טוֹבִ֥ים דֹּדֶ֖יךָ מִיָּֽיִן׃

Oh, give me of the kisses of your mouth, For your love is more delightful than wine.

Rashi says Hashem gave us the Torah and spoke to us panim el panim – there is no greater delight than the love we felt at Har Sinai and Hashem promised us that we will experience that again. That is b’zachreinu es tzion – in the beis hamikdash there was such a feeling. There was songs that levim sang there. Everyone joined in that singing. The songs of Dovid – no one since him ever felt the love of Hashem. But in beis hamikdash no matter what you had seen before you walked in, you felt it when you came in. It was built תוכו רצוף אהבה.  From the day of churban bayis – the heart of Hashem – that love is hidden from us. We look for hints of it, but the אהבת ה׳ אלקינו is hidden.

אתה בחרתנו מכל העמים, אהבת אותנו ורצית בנו ורוממתנו

What does it mean ורוממתנו?        

The meforshim say it means there are not words we could use to express the love Hashem has for us. This was lost when the churban occurred. We feel He forgot us and is disgusted with us.

We feel we don’t hear Dovid Hamelech’s songs. Even if we sing them we don’t connect to them. What is going on in our lives make us feel forgotten?

שָֽׁמְע֥וּ עַמִּ֖ים יִרְגָּז֑וּן חִ֣יל אָחַ֔ז יֹשְׁבֵ֖י פְּלָֽשֶׁת׃

The peoples hear, they tremble; Agony grips the dwellers in Philistia.

Once we are back in the mikdash, the whole world knows the game is over. And our depressed feelings will end. Our not able to focus on davening and learning will end. Once it is clear that the mikdash is back, we will feel Hashem’s love like Har Sinai. When that happens there is nothing that can hold us back from kedusha. No force can stand up against us when we have that confidence in Hashem’s love.

When a child comes from a home where he feels his parents unabating love – he can make it through this world even if the parents passed away years ago. He sees the image of his father or mother. He sees an image of how his father saw him, how he loved you.

Do we understand what it means to grow up without parents? Survivors who lost their parents so young that its hard to remember them. But they remember their love. If they don’t, it is so difficult. It is a difficult galus.

A Poem Written by a 21 year old woman who grew up with many tzarot, she did not have loving parents and went through many difficulties.

G-d – my brain is hurting. My head is spinning as I sit here numb from pain. It feels so unreal. Dizziness overtakes as I think about You. I think about Your actions. Your thoughts and my limited understanding. I can’t comprehend, I don’t understand.  But I don’t ask. I don’t ask why. Why my family? Why my friends? Why my marriage? Why the abuse? I am not questioning. Not asking for reason to explain what I have gone through. But I have one question- Tatty, why don’t I feel You when I am being broken, when I am being shattered? When I am being crushed? Why do you only allow me to feel You when I am surrounded by the right people? When in the right community when being inspired when easy to connect to you. Why is it when darkness falls, when nightmares start and hell begins that You fall away. That You hide yourself in unknown places. That my trust in You falters. Tatty, I want You. I want to feel you. I want to love you. Not only when all is going good. I want to feel when I am in a pile of broken bones with no energy to get back up. I want to feel You at night when my world is black. When I am tossing and turning and the tears flow. I want to feel You are beside me. When my friends give me 20 minutes notice before committing suicide. I want to know You will catch them. I want your presence to be clear, to be transparent so I can see You. I know You are there with me with every step, but I don’t just want the knowledge, I want to know and feel it in my heart and mind. I want to reach for Your hand and for You to lead me through. Tatty, I’ve stopped moving backwards, I’ve stopped going into my past, I’ve  stop trying to change my past; I am moving towards the future. I am no longer angry for what I have gone through. I don’t need You to take away the pain. I don’t need you to change my home. I don’t need you to take revenge on those that hurt me. Tatty, all I am asking is to give me Your hand, to hold on tight, to never let go. So I can feel You and love You without imagining Your presence.  Give me Your hand so we can walk hand in hand, side by side because walking together in the dark with you is better than walking alone in the light.

This girl doesn’t know it but all she is asking for is Binyan Beit Hamikdash. Nachamu Nachamu Ami – the nechama is when we hear from Hashems mouth Ami – You are my people. That is all we need to hear.

"הֲשִׁיבֵנוּ ה אֵלֶיךָ וְנָשׁוּבָה חַדֵּשׁ יָמֵינוּ כְּקֶדֶם"