A Thought on Teshuvah - Rabbi Moshe Weinberger – Teshuvah Drasha 2019 - What Do We Have to Accept Upon Ourselves?

Rabbi Moshe Weinberger – Teshuvah Drasha 2019

Hashem in Shir Hashirim 8:9 speaks to us as His sister

אִם־חוֹמָ֣ה הִ֔יא נִבְנֶ֥ה עָלֶ֖יהָ טִ֣ירַת כָּ֑סֶף וְאִם־דֶּ֣לֶת הִ֔יא נָצ֥וּר עָלֶ֖יהָ ל֥וּחַ אָֽרֶז׃

If she be a wall, We will build upon it a silver battlement; If she be a door, We will panel it in cedar.”

If she will be like a wall, I will build upon them a beautiful silver ornament. But if she is going to live like a door, something that opens and closes, then I will also be with them in such a way. I will be here and there, not consistent, not strong nor secure.

Chazal say this concept came from Avraham who asked if the nation that will come from him will become will be like a wall or like a door. Avraham described himself as  powerful like a wall and wanted a nation like that.

In the Hoshanot, the beautiful praise is ohm ani chomah – a nation of a wall. That is our essence – strength, stability and consistency that we inherited from Avraham.

Q: We often don’t feel like a wall. Reality of life has ups and downs and we feel not just like a door, but a revolving door. Right and wrong, good and bad. So because of His love for us, He gave his little sister the mitzvah of teshuvah. It is a wonderous gift. Hashem revealed to us that it is possible to start again.

Rambam Hilchot Teshuvah 2:2

וּמַה הִיא הַתְּשׁוּבָה. הוּא שֶׁיַּעֲזֹב הַחוֹטֵא חֶטְאוֹ וִיסִירוֹ מִמַּחֲשַׁבְתּוֹ וְיִגְמֹר בְּלִבּוֹ שֶׁלֹּא יַעֲשֵׂהוּ עוֹד שֶׁנֶּאֱמַר )ישעיה נה ז ("יַעֲזֹב רָשָׁע דַּרְכּוֹ" וְגוֹ'. וְכֵן יִתְנַחֵם עַל שֶׁעָבַר שֶׁנֶּאֱמַר )ירמיה לא יח ( "כִּי אַחֲרֵי שׁוּבִי נִחַמְתִּי". וְיָעִיד עָלָיו יוֹדֵעַ תַּעֲלוּמוֹת שֶׁלֹּא יָשׁוּב לְזֶה הַחֵטְא לְעוֹלָם שֶׁנֶּאֱמַר )הושע יד ד ("וְלֹא נֹאמַר עוֹד אֱלֹהֵינוּ לְמַעֲשֵׂה יָדֵינוּ" וְגוֹ'. וְצָרִיךְ לְהִתְוַדּוֹת בִּשְׂפָתָיו וְלוֹמַר עִנְיָנוֹת אֵלּוּ שֶׁגָּמַר בְּלִבּוֹ:

What is repentance? The sinner shall cease sinning, and remove sin from his thoughts, and wholeheartedly conclude not to revert back to it, even as it is said: "Let the wicked forsake his way" (Is. 55.7); so, too, shall he be remorseful on what was past, even as it is said: "Surely after that I was turned, I repented" (Jer. 31. 19). In addition thereto he should take to witness Him Who knoweth all secrets that forever he will not turn to repeat that sin again, according to what it is said: "Say unto Him.… neither will we call any more the work of our hands our gods" (Hos. 14.3–4). It is, moreover, essential that his confession shall be by spoken words of his lips, and all that which he concluded in his heart shall be formed in speech.²

Rambam says there are ingredients in teshuvah to make it real and work. To stop sinning, removes it from his thoughts, and decides strong not to do it again. He regrets what he did to the point that Hashem will testify that he will never do this sin again.

קבלה לעתיד – commitment to changing in the future.

How can the Rambam say this? All our variations of vidui do not have קבלה לעתיד as part of vidui?

So according the Rambam it seems that our commitment must be to never sin again.

Rav Saadiah Gaon and others– disagree with this and say as long as an individual is committed and means it at the time, the teshuvah is accepted and all of his sins are erased. If he returns to that sin in the future, it is not cumulative. It is a new act.

The Lekutei Maharan from Rebbe Nachman of Breslov has an explanation that can help us see the Rambam in a different light.

What is the meaning of a kabbala?

We have been taught it means accepting upon yourself to do something or to refrain from doing something. It is a commitment for the future. That is what the Rambam is talking about. This aidus is where misunderstanding falls in – until Hashem testifies Himself that this person is so sincere that I sign off that he is done with this sin. That is near impossible.

But in the Torah which is also an aidus, the Torah says:

כִּ֚י הַמִּצְוָ֣ה הַזֹּ֔את אֲשֶׁ֛ר אָנֹכִ֥י מְצַוְּךָ֖ הַיּ֑וֹם לֹֽא־נִפְלֵ֥את הִוא֙ מִמְּךָ֔ וְלֹ֥א רְחֹקָ֖ה הִֽוא׃

Surely, this Instruction which I enjoin upon you this day is not too baffling for you, nor is it beyond reach.

לֹ֥א בַשָּׁמַ֖יִם הִ֑וא לֵאמֹ֗ר מִ֣י יַעֲלֶה־לָּ֤נוּ הַשָּׁמַ֙יְמָה֙ וְיִקָּחֶ֣הָ לָּ֔נוּ וְיַשְׁמִעֵ֥נוּ אֹתָ֖הּ וְנַעֲשֶֽׂנָּה׃

It is not in the heavens, that you should say, “Who among us can go up to the heavens and get it for us and impart it to us, that we may observe it?”

וְלֹֽא־מֵעֵ֥בֶר לַיָּ֖ם הִ֑וא לֵאמֹ֗ר מִ֣י יַעֲבָר־לָ֜נוּ אֶל־עֵ֤בֶר הַיָּם֙ וְיִקָּחֶ֣הָ לָּ֔נוּ וְיַשְׁמִעֵ֥נוּ אֹתָ֖הּ וְנַעֲשֶֽׂנָּה׃

Neither is it beyond the sea, that you should say, “Who among us can cross to the other side of the sea and get it for us and impart it to us, that we may observe it?”

כִּֽי־קָר֥וֹב אֵלֶ֛יךָ הַדָּבָ֖ר מְאֹ֑ד בְּפִ֥יךָ וּבִֽלְבָבְךָ֖ לַעֲשֹׂתֽוֹ׃

No, the thing is very close to you, in your mouth and in your heart, to observe it.

Q: So how could the Rambam be? What he describes sounds so hard? How do we understand this? The Aidus the Rambam describes cannot contradict the aidus of the Torah itself?

There is a mashal of a regular, intelligent person who sets out to accomplish a job and he estimates how hard it is; is this something he can do or not. If a regular person is asked to carry a 300 pound sack of potatoes up a mountain, he knows he cannot do it, it is above his capability. He does understand that if he can open the bag and scatter them and given enough time to carry them up a few at a time, then he can do it. That would be totally different. Then 300 or 500 pounds doesn’t matter, as long as he can divide it up, he will accept the job. He is capable of that.

The same is true with kochot hanefesh. A  person who has a bad temper knows it and knows it is destroying his life, marriage, kids, maybe his job; he gets it in his mind. Then one day he goes to a shiur that talks about the bad middah of anger and he is inspired to change. He accepts never to get angry again. That is much heavier than a sack of potatoes. He cannot accomplish it. To succeed he should  accept not to get angry for an hour or a day, to scatter that middah over the days of his life.

The idea that a kabbalah means forever is simply impossible. There is no boundary to forever, it is not possible. So Hashem could never have asked us to do such a thing. He knows it is impossible. Hashem is telling us to be mekabel, at this moment now, don’t get angry. What will be in an hour is not the issue at this moment. This moment is קרוב אליך מאד. Tomorrow it is far from us, but that doesn’t matter now.

Rabbeinu Yonah in Yesod Hateshuvah says – שכחך, the ability to forget is something bad in the eyes of the world, but in our eyes it has a huge advantage in that it allows us to keep on going. Without it we would never keep going in our avodas hashem because we would constantly remember our past. We would become completely paralyzed. It is not only gift of forgetting the past, but also not being overly concerned with the future in terms of this kabbalah.

At this moment of my life I am a wall. I am not doing this sin or that sin. No matter what it is I will not be torn away from this commitment.

Let us explore this in the world of Mysticism

The Nefesh Hachaim (Shaar Alef, Beis), Ramchal, Vilna Gaon and Michtav Eliyahu all present a similar concept about the nature of time.

הַמְחַדֵּשׁ בְּטוּבו בְּכָל יום תָּמִיד מַעֲשה בְרֵאשִׁית.

Sunday is not a continuation of Shabbos. It is a totally different day. When a person makes a kabbalah, I am never going to do this sin, he is in a delusion that doesn’t exist because tomorrow doesn’t exist today. It only exists when Hashem reveals that tomorrow. So we have no control over tomorrow at all. So what’s a kabbalah? We all have been taught to make them. (Often they are the same as last year.) Are they meaningless? Of course not.

It is a good thing because:

1.     you clarify your objectives, separate between sheker and emet. Acknowledge this is bad.

2.     You are accepting a certain responsibility to stop doing the sin. This is important. I need a plan how to stop sin. How to start doing a mitzvah.

But the plan is not guided by forever. You don’t have to do it all and forever. This is because we see every day is a new day, a new nisayon, will I do it. That test is today. The fact that I had this kabbalah and wanted to do it, can lead me to a delusion that I don’t have to fight the nisayon tomorrow and the next day. We are lulled into this way of thinking that this kabbalah will enable me to win the war every day. It is not so. Every day is a new war. There is no bechirah for the future.

The danger of kabbalah is that we do this and think we do forever and keep failing each year. Eventually we will see the whole thing as fake,  a life as a joke. I am unreliable, incapable, etc. This can take us down a bad path.

The avodah of a Jew is to live with free choice every day, every moment to daven to Hashem to help me today. Just focus on today. Tomorrow doesn’t exist at all. The person I am today is totally different than tomorrow. The challenges of tomorrow could make me totally different than I was yesterday. The person that made that choice on Monday is not the same person on Tuesday.

The Chazon Ishe in his letters also talks about this. Don’t waste your life in all types of thoughts,

stop thinking about the past, and don’t plan tomorrow. What should be dearest to you is this moment that you are in right now. This is his way of saying to focus on today. There is no tomorrow.

Now we understand why Rav Kook says teshuvah is both easy and hard:

On the one hand, the ovoda of the moment is easy because as long as I don’t have to carry the burden of the past or the worry of tomorrow, then it is easy. That relief allows me to focus on today.

On the other hand, it is the hardest because it means living every moment of your life in this consciousness. You need to live in the moment focusing on what you can do right now. That is hard. If you didn’t make kabbalos then you are a joker, and if you did make kabbalos you might be discouraged. So in the moment you need to fight this and be a wall, do it now. This makes it clear to me that this mitzvah or avoiding this sin is good for me.

  

Hashem’s love for us is so great. Just try this moment. Be the best you can be right now.